We finally announced we are pregnant with our second full term baby. We find out April 30th the sex of the baby. This little joy is due to join us in mid September. I never published Kett's birth story but it is on my to do list before this baby comes. So is potty training so who knows where we end up. We are using the same Bradley Method and doing a full natural birth again. Ill go into more detail on what prepping and using the Bradley Method is in his birth story. For now I wanted to focus on the questions and qualms we personally are having with a new addition to the family and all the ones I have been receiving on social media. First and foremost we are elated for another baby to arrive, we have wanted this for so long.
When I found out I was pregnant there were so many emotions, first was unbelievable shock and excitement. Then I realized that this baby would be born in September and it completely broke my heart. September as everyone knows is when we lost my sister and her four children age 14, age 6, age 4 and age 6 months old. September used to be our favorite month of the year, the whole family gets together for a time and we get the kids together, my brother flies in from Spain every year for the whole month. We celebrate two of their birthdays in September, its truly like the Christmas of the year for us. Then the unexpected came and hit us hard, we are still living with the grief of losing our entire family. The song Wake Me Up When September Ends could not be more real for us. Not only did we lose them all but the incidents we endured for weeks after were equally as hard and gruesome. I won't get into the details of that now but one day I will.
This sweet thing we wanted so bad would be born amidst chaos and sadness. A time when no one wants to look forward to or have to relive. I was devastated that this baby, something that we have wanted for so long would possibly have to live in the shadows of darkness and that is something I don't think anyone wishes on their baby. I was nervous to tell my family after we've endured so much loss, how would they react? What would be their response? Would they feel the same way I felt and if they did would they even show or tell me?
I feel fortunate that my family has always had open communication, we try not to lie or hide anything from each other. I would say we are a pretty close family, looking after each other always. We've always been this way, my mother instilled in us at a very young age that we can always go to them no matter what and now as adults we are finding they are coming to us no matter what. Especially during this time when even seven months later we are still completely heartbroken over losing half our family.
I feel like going through such a huge loss completely changed me as a person, seeing the things I saw and hearing the things I heard and living the things I lived during that time are things I have nightmares about still. I will never unsee the horror of losing so many people at one time and the way people act when they try to take advantage of a such a horrible situation. I will never be the same person I was seven months ago and I've had to readjust myself to fit into my new self.
Now let us throw in pregnancy and social distancing/quarantining.
A time when really my family just wants to be together whenever possible. A time when my father still battling stage four cancer and working full time wants to spend weekends with his only living grandchild. A time when my oldest sister is struggling with her own mental and physical health and has to stay quarantined in her apartment alone. My brother who lives in Spain getting the worst of quarantining alone in his apartment where they can't even go for a walk unless its a quick trip to the grocery store. We have found time to Zoom but it just isn't the same.
I think pregnancy hormones made me feel more sad and extra emotional about losing my sister. There is this void I don't think will ever be filled in being able to tell her and the kids another cousin will be joining the family. They were so elated when I told them about Kett. Anytime I talked with my sister and the kids Rorrie always asked me when I was going to have another baby. She was the first one I called with Kett and man her reaction was everything she cried with me and had plans in action to give me and set me up with everything I would ever need. I think she also used it as an excuse to get rid of everything from her home as well, typical sister stuff you know?
I finally broke down and called my Dad to tell him the news, and he cried and cried, tears of joy, without me even saying one word about my woes he said what a light this baby will be and something to look forward to during that time. Which of course made me bust into tears because it was exactly what I needed to hear from the man who literally is and will forever be my best friend. He made was so happy to the point that everyday after that he called to check in on me in the morning and in the afternoon to make sure everything was okay.
It turns out everyone in the family was most excited and feeling the same of having something so amazing to look forward to during a month I don't think any of us wanted to be apart of. Who knows maybe my sister had something to do with this, maybe she knew we needed something?
I almost feel like I have been social distancing myself of course from the world around me physically but I also have been doing it online and on social media. I feel like losing the person I was 7 months ago and still finding the person I am now while pregnant it just felt necessary. I needed time to reflect and love on this new little baby growing inside of me. For my own health I needed to step away and really focus on my family as it grows and as I grow myself.
It is such a weird time to be going through a pregnancy, Frank can't be at the ultrasound which is heartbreaking and I'm constantly worried about getting sick or anyone in my family getting sick because I don't think I can physically or mentally take anymore loss. It is really one of the biggest reasons I have had to stay offline. Hearing stories of loss and heartbreak it was almost too much for me. I found myself crying so much more than normal and having more nightmares than usual.
I'm just going on everyday living it as best as we can, taking walks regularly, trying to create art, being there for Kett and my husband and of course Ledger full time. I cannot wait to meet this beautiful baby in 150 days (give or take with natural birth).
It is exactly the light I needed during all of this. I am thankful for my family and I am thankful for everyone who checks in with me regularly and follows along. If you have any Qs feel free to message me and I will add them as I go!
Here are some of our Easter Photos when I announced our pregnancy!